Hey Linda. I guess a good start would be explaining what Cognitive Behaviour therapy actually is and ways parents can integrate it into their everyday lives with their kids.
Cognitive behaviour therapy or CBT is based on the premise that you think first and then you feel. Your feelings go through this filtration of your thoughts right? But as we know, our thoughts can be wrong- they can be biased and as a result they can complicate our feelings. What CBT seeks to do is hold those thoughts to account and challenge them, and make them more functional in the hope that the feelings are moderated and therefore your behaviours are too. For parents, it’s as simple as speaking to your child and reminding them that their feelings are not facts. We did this with your anorexia Sophia- I feel fat, doesn't mean I am fat.
For children the statement could be different- I feel that everyone hates me. Get your child to think: Is that a true statement? Have I asked everyone? Is hate the right word or is one person annoyed with me?” We often place things in binaries: everyone has to like me or no one likes me or everything has to be perfect or everything is terrible. We all have a tendency to maximise the negative and undermine the positive. It may also be selection abstraction- choosing one small thing to focus on and then assuring yourself the whole world is based on that. For parents, it’s being able to help your kids catch the language because no one speaks more to you than you speak to yourself. Remind your kids of that.
That notion of learning to catch those irrational thoughts and helping equip your child with the ability to sort through the all or nothing thinking is the best thing a parent can do for their child.
I guess that follows the notion of we see what we seek right?
Exactly. If I’ve made up my mind that the world is a dangerous place or a mean place or whatever fills in that blank, I am most likely going to select the kind of information that validates that response. So, explaining to your child that that information is self-selected and that they are looking for it, is important. One of the things I always did with my daughter for example every night when we ate was asking her what the best part about her day was. I did that because our minds naturally orientate to what's the worst, right?
It makes sense why we do it, it’s evolutionary and we all orientate to that but if our child begins with my day was terrible, try saying okay what was the least terrible or what was the one thing we can take away. Showing gratitude for example really helps.
That makes a lot of sense, I now realise what you’ve been doing with me all along! So, going off the idea of building an emotional toolbox, what do you think are the essential components in building one for a child? I guess they can’t be too dissimilar from an adult.
Look, there are a couple of things we need to think about here. The way we build emotional resilience is the way we build any kind of emotional resilience you know. With every choice that you make, you have the choice to move forward and grow and that feels uncomfortable. Or you have the choice to stay safe and stay limited. Yes, that feels safe but it actually provides the opposite of growth- it provides stagnation right?
This kind of moves to the sort of safeties and problems with parenting. We all adore our kids and we want to make sure they never ever hurt but part of resilience is getting them to see that they can tolerate not feeling great and that they can get through it. Part of their toolbox is not getting them to avoid everything that could go wrong but equipping them with the tools that they need.
Can you give an example?
It’s the idea that you can’t stop the rain but you can give them an umbrella. What is an umbrella in this instance? The umbrella is to decide that this is bad now but it will pass or you know what, it’s not going to rain harder. It could be asking for help- you know, finding shelter from the rain- social support. It can be understanding that this is tough but the rain will help the flowers grow. All these things are critical.
I like the umbrella analogy, especially for London. Is there anything else a parent can to to build the toolbox with their kids?
One thing I always say to parents is that the conversations they have with their kids should not be a one-off chat. Sometimes you need to use a broken record technique. I’m sure I’ve annoyed the hell out of you Sophia but sometimes you need to hear it a lot or in different ways until it clicks. So with important conversations have them over and over again and chose your time wisely.
Parents always think the best time to ask their child how their day was is straight after school. The child will usually respond with a fine because they are freaking exhausted after school and they have been talking the whole day. Chose the time that’s right- maybe it’s before bedtime or over dinner. But chose that time and speak to them over and over again.
Are there basic questions you recommend asking?
So, one of the first things I do with my clients is, I often ask how are you eating? How are you sleeping? How are you moving? I do that with you all the time, don't I?
Yes, a lot.
These things all feed into your mental state and are all connected. If you’re starving yourself or eating a bunch of crap, that's going to affect your mood. If your sleep is really bad, it's going to affect your mood. If you're not moving at all or you know or moving too much, like you Sophia, it will affect your mood so, that's why we check them. I think all of these things need to be done.
So how does relationship management come into it? Parents always ask us how to talk and work through relationships with their children perhaps because their kids are experiencing these new social relationships for the first time where they aren’t protected by their parents. You know, going into school for the first time, everyone might not be nice to you.
I think the big mistake that parents make there is making room for their children's anti-social behaviour and not realising that that's gonna kind of spill out into other areas of their lives. These things start at home. You may not be fine with your child saying please or thank you, demanding things and not sharing but at some point these behaviours come out. I was such an annoying mum when it came to my daughter because I knew her manners would make a big difference and I knew that not everyone loved my daughter as much as I did. She really knows how to read a room now.
That makes a lot of sense, my mum did the same.
The second big one is promoting empathy. How did that make other kids feel when you grabbed the cookie first without offering your friend one? Not great probably. The other important one is balancing the notion that people are going to like you and sometimes they are not. Kids need to be able to tolerate that, especially with girls who have a tendency to try too hard. As you said, it’s a whole new world for children when they go to school and they assume that if their friend doesn’t want to play with them, no one will. Have conversations like Can we have more than one friend? How can we manage that situation? How do we show our feelings?”
My last question is more on the parenting side. How do parents manage what they think is good for their child versus what they want for their child? I think my parents look back on how much they pushed me at swimming when I was young and recognise maybe they pushed too hard right? How do parents look introspectively and think what is best for my child?
That’s a really great question.I think one of the best quotes that I heard about this was from a Nobel prize winner for literature who described his role as a parent as being a guide to his children on this earth. I think what he was saying is that your child is not your legacy.
He’s right, your child is not your legacy, they are a person within themselves. We know parents who are doctors and want their kids to be doctors but that’s not their job. You are their guide on this earth and by virtue of that, you need to check in with them and think about where they are and where they want to go. It’s hard too right? I mean you were this kid with an amazing talent Sophia and you never want to be the parent that doesn’t open those doors and lets their kid throw in the towel because things aren’t perfect. So ask yourself- If I’ve opened the door, I’ve supported and I’ve gently pushed them out of their comfort zone and and this still isn’t working- is it time to let it go?
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